The View From Here: My husband has been cheating and has infected me with HIV

History will surely judge us harshly if we do not respond with all the energy and resources that we can bring to bear in the fight against HIV and Aids. Our attention to this issue cannot be distracted or diverted by problems that are apparently more pressing. – Nelson Mandela

In the battle against apartheid we scored a tremendous victory in the face of considerable evil. The solidarity of people from around the world strengthened us at some of our darkest moments. In the battle against HIV and Aids we need the same solidarity, the same passion, the same commitment and energy. – Desmond Tutu.

By Roxy Marosa

"Good morning Roxy. You probably don’t remember me, but I need to talk to you. My name is Melanie. I met you a few years ago at an event where you were a speaker talking about HIV.

A week ago I found out that I have HIV, and I don’t know how to deal with it. My husband has been cheating and has admitted to it, and he has infected me with HIV."

This is one of many calls I get almost on a daily basis, wives who are infected with HIV by their husbands. Many women find themselves in the dilemma of HIV infection in what is supposed to be, and society relates to as a union of trust and fidelity.

Sadly, HIV infection has become increasingly common in marriages, because partners take it for granted that the person they are married to will remain faithful to them, and in the case when they have not been faithful, they will protect them against getting infected with sexually transmitted infections like HIV. But this naivety is proving to put a partner’s health at risk.

Melanie is an executive, a mother of three children, and is married to a successful businessman.

I asked her how she found out about her positive HIV status. She says that her husband had gone for an HIV test due to a procedural requirement for the business. He did not believe the outcome of the test that read ‘REACTIVE’, meaning that he tested positive. Given that her husband tested positive she too opted for testing and came back with ‘REACTIVE’ to the HIV test.

The results were devastating to her husband, who was in disbelief of the outcome. He demanded to be re-tested. Considering herself as a realist, Melanie says she knew another test is a waste of time, emotion and hope for a result that will come out positive again. Being a realist, she says ‘most men cheat, and I have always had it in the back of my mind that my husband will cheat. With that in mind I have had conversations with him requesting him to use protection should he find himself in a compromising situation of not being able to control his sexual desire.’

This statement got my mind spinning. I asked Melanie what she thinks her husband was hearing from her requests. After some consideration she realises that her husband heard that she knows that he may have sexual relations with other women. She says her husband admits that culturally, young men are raised to believe that extra marital relationships are ok. Although it does not make it ok, this may encourage some women to get involved in casual relationships with married men.

Melanie was choked and deeply angry at her husband’s question of ‘but how does it happen?’ She says her reply to him was ‘so you have not been listening to me each time I talk to you about using protection when getting sexually involved with someone else?’ She says she knew if she was not going to get infected with HIV it would be another sexually transmitted infection, yet her husband seemed not to think about other possible infections.

Her devastation now was how to deal with living with the virus. She now had concern for her health, the future well-being of her children and informing her parents.

Another dilemma was telling her friends. She admits that although she has been the reasonable one amongst her friends, whenever they spoke about people living HIV, they had nasty things to say, and because she felt labelled as one of the HIV positive people they spoke about. Her concern for telling her parents was not as major because she is outspoken and her parents know her to be a brave woman who faces life challenges head on. However she could not guarantee what their actions would be at the news that she is now living with HIV. She trusts though that she will get support from them.

Melanie says she finds her husband’s action reckless and inconsiderate of himself, his family and his marriage, however she is willing to stand by him and support him in this difficult time. Melanie admits that her marriage life has been dedicated to her husband and children and little to herself. She considers this a wake-up call and says it is time she takes charge of her life and be responsible for her life.

I ask Melanie whether she expected her husband to be responsible for her life and she admits that she has been. She now realises and wants to teach people that each person is responsible for their own lives. I emphasise this point by telling her that at my workshops I tell people that to put your life in another person’s hands not knowing what goes through their minds, and not having control over what they do when you not around, is to turn your back on your life. Whatever happens with it, you only have yourself to blame.  

Melanie says she is stuck wanting to know the type of people her husband has been sleeping with. Her consideration is that they may be desperate students exploring their sexual life, or prostitutes. I asked her whether she is a student or a prostitute given that she now is positive. She then realises that there is no relevance to the type of person he slept with. This made it clear for me that people living with HIV were still labelled, and one of the labels included promiscuity. But although she had this realisation, she still wanted to know.

Many women deal with getting to compare themselves to the women their partners got or get involved with. It gives them a sense of competition, yet it can be self destructive when they start relating to those women as better than them, or equally less than them based on their looks and career. It may also put pressure on them to get to the ‘better’ level of the other women. This aggravates competitive anger, and it is in these moments that this behaviour also puts strain on the already compromised relationship with their partner. The strain then is like bicycle spokes, which ends dealing with the HIV positive status, trust, feelings of inadequacy, security in the relationship, vulnerability, fear of rejection, and the need to feel better than the other women.

I always advise people to know their CD4 cell count, so that they know if they need to go on treatment immediately. I also encourage them to ask their doctor whatever medical questions necessary, so that they can know exactly what is going on in their body, and what they can do to keep healthy.

Melanie called me two weeks after our initial talk and told me that her CD4 cell count is high. She sounded in a better spirits. I could hear people talking in the background while we discussed what is going on in her life now. She was expressive and made jokes. I had the sense that although she is on a journey of recovery for herself and her marriage, there is a lot to go through. I also realised that her life has taken a different turn from four weeks ago, and she says it makes her stomach turn, yet she feels that she is gearing herself up for a life greater than ever before.

In 2008, there were 33.4 million adults and children living with HIV, 22.4 million in sub-Saharan Africa alone. That same year there were 2.7 million new infections and about 2 million deaths, with the vast majority in sub-Saharan Africa. Most new infections are in low to middle income countries.

In South Africa there were 5.7 million people living with HIV and Aids, representing about 17 percent of the global caseload. There are as many as 2,000 new infections every day.

Roxy Marosa is the program designer and facilitator of public workshops - Having Internal Victory against HIV, Presenter of Siyainqoba Beat it Health Literacy Series on HIV and Aids. She is also the brand owner of the Natural skin care range Roxy Marosa Total Skin Health Care – www.roxymarosaproducts.co.za, and founder of Philanthropic organisation Read Regularly for a Child. Read all about her on www.roxymarosa.com